Click here for a neat Christmas e-card: http://www.found-pets.org/JLCards/xmas2001.htm |
OLD JOKESAND OTHER FUN STUFF |
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YOU KNOW YOU'RE A BIKER WHEN... ...YOUR BEST FRIENDS ARE NAMED AFTER ANIMALS. ...YOU PULL YOUR BIKE INTO THE MOTEL ROOM & USE A BATH TOWEL TO WIPE IT OFF. ...YOUR THREE PIECE SUIT = CHAPS + A LEATHER VEST + A LEATHER JACKET. Adapted from e-mail sent from Jim the Barber by-way-of Kay Pryor (Pony Dog). THANKS! 12-21-99 |
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12-28-99 Jim the Barber sent this one, too!. |
(This isn't a joke, just something for us DOGS to share.) Things we can learn from a dog: 1) Never pass up the opportunity to go for a joyride. Allow the experience of fresh air and the wind in your face to be pure ecstacy. 2) When loved ones come home, always run to greet them. [You may want to give them a simple hug (instead of licking them in the face).] 3) Let others know when they've invaded your territory. 4) Take naps and stretch before rising. Run, romp, and play everyday. 5) Be loyal. Never pretend to be something you're not. 6) When someone is having a bad day, be silent, sit close by and nuzzle them gently. 7) Thrive on attention and let people touch you. Avoid biting when a simple growl will do. 8) On hot days, drink alot and lie under a shady tree. 9) No matter how often you're scolded, don't buy into the guilt thing and pout ... run right back and make friends. 10) Delight in the simple joy of a long walk. This is from a forwarded e-mail sent to us many moons ago by Rooster & Moana. Wanted to share it. 1-4-01 |
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Thanks goes to Cindy Baker (Lone Lady Dog) for sending this one to us! 1-10-01 |
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Always give 100% at work: 12% on Monday 23% on Tuesday 40% on Wednesday 20% on Thursday 5% on Friday 1-18-01 Borrowed from http://www.freaks-of-nature.co.uk/thought/serenity.html |
1-25-01 Tall Dick sent us this great photo "Sign Here". Thanks TD! |
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Arthur Davidson, of the Harley Davidson Motorcycle Corporation, died and went to heaven. At the gates, St. Peter told Arthur, "Since you've been such a good man and your motorcycles have changed the world... as your reward, you can hang out with anyone you choose in Heaven." Arthur thought about it for a minute and said, "I want to hang out with God." St. Peter took Arthur to the Throne Room and introduced him to God. Arthur asked God, "Hey, aren't you the inventor of woman?" God said, "Ah, yes." "Well," Arthur said, "professional to professional, your invention has some major design flaws: 1) There is too much inconsistency in the front-end protrusions. 2) It chatters constantly at high speeds. 3) Most of the rear ends are too soft and wobble too much. 4) The intake is placed way too close to the exhaust. And finally, 5) The maintenance costs are outrageous!" "Hmmmm, you may have some good points there," replied God. "Hold on." God went to His Celestial super computer, typed in a few words and waited for the results. The computer printed out a slip of paper and God studied it. "Well, Arthur," God said, "it may be true that my invention is flawed, but according to these numbers, more men are riding my invention than yours." 2-1-2001 Got this from our friends at COMBATVETSMC. |
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Happy VALENTINE'S DAY to all the TWO DOGS! There is no psychiartist in the world like a puppy licking your face. -- Bern Williams (Looks like this could be a double FRENCH LICK.) 2-10-2001 |
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A TEST: Bikers Check Your Brain Power There are no tricks - this is a straight forward problem. This is supposed to be one of the questions which potential Microsoft employees are asked. U2 have a concert that starts in 17 minutes and they must all cross a bridge to get there. All four men begin on the same side of the bridge. You must help them across to the other side. It is night. There is one flashlight. A maximum of two people can cross at one time. Any party that crosses the bridge, either 1 or 2 people, must have the flashlight with them. The flashlight must be carried back and forth, it cannot be thrown, etc. Each band member walks at a different speed. A pair must walk together at the rate of the slower man's pace: *Bono: - 1 minute *Edge: - 2 minutes *Adam: - 5 minutes *Larry: - 10 minutes For example: if Bono and Larry walk across first, 10 minutes have elapsed by the time they get to the other side of the bridge. If Larry then returns with the flashlight, a total of 20 minutes have passed and you have failed the mission. There is no trick to this. It is a simple movement of resources in the appropriate order. There are two known answers to this problem. Microsoft expects you to answer this question in under 5 minutes! 2-16-2001 |
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What do you get when you cross a Pitbull with Lassie? A dog that bites your leg off, then runs for help. What's the difference between a dog and a fox? About 5 drinks. 3-26-2001 |
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A mailman on his daily round was confronted by a large, ferocious dog in front of a house. An old man sat on the front porch. "Hey!" yelled the mailman, "Does your dog bite?" "No, he doesn't," said the old man. The mailman proceeded to move toward the house and the dog immediately bit him on the leg! After fighting the dog off with his mailbag, the mailman continued toward the house, keeping a watchful eye on the dog. Straightening his mailbag, he handed the old man his mail. "I thought you said your dog doesn't bite!" he sneered at the old man as he pulled up his pants leg to reveal the large bite mark. "That's right. My dog doesn't bite," said the old man calmly,"...but that's not my dog!" 3-19-2001 |
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A Week's Worth of Zen: SUNDAY- Duct tape is like the force. It has a light side and a dark side and it holds the universe together. MONDAY- A closed mouth gathers no foot. TUESDAY- Timing has an awful lot to do with the outcome of a rain dance. WEDNESDAY- Always remember you're unique ...just like everyone else. THURSDAY-The quickest way to double your money is to fold it in half and put it back in your pocket. FRIDAY- Never test the depth of the water with both feet. SATURDAY- Don't be irreplaceable. If you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted. 3-28-01 |
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"Think you'll like this one, I do!" |
As he entered the small country store, the stranger noticed a large sign on the glass door which read, "DANGER! BEWARE OF DOG!" Once inside, he saw a harmless old hound dog asleep on the floor beside the cash register. The stranger asked the store owner, "Is THAT the dog folks are supposed to beware of?" "Yep, that's the one," answered the store owner. The stranger couldn't help but be amused. He said, with a chuckle, "He certainly doesn't look dangerous to me. Why in the world did you put that sign on the door?" "Because," the owner replied. "before I posted that sign, people kept tripping over him." 4 - 03 - 01 |
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A guy walks into a bar with a dog under his arm, puts the dog on the bar and announces that the dog can talk and that he has $100 he's willing to bet anyone who says he can't. The bartender quickly takes the bet. The owner looks at his dog and asks, "What's the thing on the top of this building which keeps the rain from coming inside?" The dog sharply answers, "ROOF!" The bartender responds, "Who are you kidding? I'm not paying for that." The dog owner says, "How about double or nothing? And I'll ask him something else!" The bartender agrees and the owner turns to his dog and asks, "Who was the greatest ballplayer of all time?" The dog answers with a muffled, "Ruth." With that, the bartender picks them both up and throws them out of the bar. After they bounce down the sidewalk, the dog gets to his feet, shakes off , looks up at his owner and says, questioningly, "DiMaggio?" 4-29-2001 |
Some days you just get stuck and bogged down. Some days all you can do is smile & wait for someone to kindly remove your butt from the hole you find it wedged into. 5-10-2001 Sent to us by Jim the Barber. Thanks Jim! |
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A woman got pulled over for speeding by a Highway Patrol motorcycle officer. When he walked up to her window and opened his ticket book, the woman said, "I bet you're going to sell me tickets to the Highway Patrol Ball." The officer replied, "No, highway patrolmen don't have balls." A moment of silence followed. She smiled; he realized what he'd said. The patrol officer closed his book, got back on his motorcycle and drove away. 5-25-2001 |
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The Movie Rating System Explained: G.........Nobody Gets the Girl. PG......The Good Guy Gets the Girl. R.........The Bad Guy Gets the Girl. X..........Everybody Gets the Girl. XXX....Everybody Gets the Girl and Her Dog. 6-03-2001 |
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A blind man is walking down the street one day with his seeing-eye dog. They come to a busy intersection and the dog, ignoring the high volume of traffic zooming by on the street, leads the blind man right out into the thick of traffic. This is followed by the screech of tires and horns blaring as panicked drivers try desperately not to run the pair down. The blind man and his dog finally reach the safety of the sidewalk on the other side of the street. There, blind man pulls a cookie out of his coat pocket and offers it to the dog. A passerby, having witnessed the near fatal incident, can't control his amazement and exclaims to the blind man, "Why on earth are you rewarding your dog with a cookie? He nearly got you killed!" The blind man turns toward the passerby and replies, "This is no reward. I'm trying to find out where his head is so I can kick his butt." 6-17-2001 |
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"Hey! Listen to this one!" |
HOW MANY DOGS DOES IT TAKE TO CHANGE A LIGHT BULB? Lab: Oh, me, me!! Pleeeze let me change the light bulb! Can I? Can I? Huh? Dachshund:You know I can't reach that stupid lamp! Border Collie: Just one. And then I'll replace any wiring that's not up to code. Rottweiler: Make me. Greyhound: It isn't moving. Who cares? Hound Dog: Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z z z z z z z z z z Pointer: I see it. There it is, there it is!! Right there... Jack Russell Terrier: I'll pop it in while I'm bouncing off the walls and furniture. Poodle: I'll just blow in the Border Collie's ear and he'll do it. By the time he finishes rewiring the house, my nails will be dry. Golden Retriever: The sun is shining, the day is young, we've got our whole lives ahead of us and you're inside worrying about a stupid burned out bulb? |
6-25-2001 |
A guy was sitting quietly, reading his paper, when his wife walked up behind him & whacked him on the head with a frying pan. "What was that for?" the guy asked. "That was for the piece of paper in your pants pocket with the name MaryLou written on it," his wife replied. "Two weeks ago, when I went to the races, MaryLou was the name of one of the horses I bet on," he explained. "Oh, honey, I'm sorry," she said. "I should have known there was a good explanation." Three days later, the guy was watching a ballgame on TV when his wife walked up behind him and hit him on the head again, this time with with an iron skillet, which knocked him out cold. When he came to, he asked, " Now, what was that for?" His wife replied, "Your horse just called." 7-18-2001 Sent to us a few weeks ago by Myron & Lisa (Rooster & Moana) Edwards... Thanks! |
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A man is driving down the road. A woman is driving down the same road from the opposite direction. As they pass each other, the woman leans out of her window and yells, "PIG!!" The man immediately leans out of his window and yells, "BITCH!!" They each continue on their way. As the man rounds the next curve, he crashes into a huge pig in the middle of the road. 8-12-2001 |
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1) Busted Dog 2) Bad_to _the_Bone! These two photos were sent to us this week. Wanted to share! 8-31-2001 1) From Jim the Barber 2) From a good friend in L.A. (Lower Alabama) Thanks to you both! |
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GETTING READY TO KICK SOME ASS! 9-18-2001 Thanks for the clip Claudia! |
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Actual phone answering machine messages: Hi. This is John. If you are the phone company, I've already sent the money. If you are my parents, please send money. If you are my financial aid institution, you didn't lend me enough money. If you are my friends, you owe me money. If you are a female, don't worry, I have plenty of money. (From a Japanese man in Toronto:) He-ro! This is Sato. If you leave message, I call you soon. If you leave sexy message, I call sooner! Hello. You are talking to a machine. I am capable of receiving messages. My owners do not need siding, windows, or a hot tub and their carpets are clean. They give to charity through their office and do not need their picture taken. If you are still with me, leave your name and number and they will get back to you. Hi. I'm probably home. I'm just avoiding someone I don't like. Leave me a message and if I don't call back, it's you. 10-17-2001 Thanks to a long time friend - Angela. |
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10-23-2001 HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ALL! |
Interesting (and true): If you bought $1000 worth of Nortel stock one year ago, it would now be worth $49. If you bought $1000 worth of Budweiser (the beer, not the stock) one year ago, drank all the beer, and traded in the cans for the nickel deposit, you would have $79. 11-4-2001 Found this in this month's copy of AIRMAIL(p.8). |
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12-11-01 Thanks Claudia! |
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We have all been to those meetings where someone wants to see "more than 100%" achievement. How you can achieve 103%? Well, ... If :--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- -------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Then: K N O W L E D G E = 11+14+15+23+12+5+4+7+5 = Only 96% Similarly, H A R D W O R K = 8+1+18+4+23+15+18+11 = Only 98% Interestingly, and as you'd expect, A T T I T U D E = 1+20+20+9+20+21+4+5 = 100%.... This is how you achieve 100% in life. But realize, B U L L S H I T = 2+21+12+12+19+8+9+20 = 103% Now you know what all those high-priced consultants, upper management, and motivational speakers really mean when they want to exceed 100%. 12-15-2001 Taken from an e-mail forwarded to us by our good friend Joanie! |
A = 1 B = 2 C = 3 D = 4 E = 5 |
F = 6 G = 7 H = 8 I = 9 J = 10 |
K = 11 L = 12 M = 13 N = 14 O = 15 |
P = 16 Q = 17 R = 18 S = 19 T = 20 |
U = 21 V = 22 W =23 X = 24 Y = 25 |
and Z = 26 |
Y'all Have a Wonderful Christmas 2001! |
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12-19-2001 Merry Christmas from your "Web Keepers" --- Possum & Lizzard |
AND HAVE A HAPPY & HEALTHY NEW YEAR 2002 12-31-2001 |
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YOU "PARTY ANIMALS" CELEBRATE SAFELY !!!!!!! |
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The WASHINGTON POST'S STYLE INVITATIONAL asked readers to take any word from the dictionary, alter it by adding, subtracting or changing one letter, and supply a new definition. Here are ten of the winners: Reintarnation: Coming back to life as a hillbilly. Foreploy: Any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose of getting laid. Innoculatte: To take coffee intravenously when you are running late. Osteopornosis: A degenerate disease. Hipatitis: Terminal coolness. Karmageddon: It's like, when everybody is sending off all these really bad vibes, right? And then, like, the Earth explodes and it's, like, a serious bummer. Glibido: All talk and no action. Dopeler effect: The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly. Ignoranus: A person who's both stupid and an asshole. Intaxication: Euphoria at getting a tax refund, which lasts until you realize it was your money to start with. 1-19-2002 |
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2--16-2002 A bit late, but still in the spirit of St. Valentine's Day. |
Mark Twain: "Twenty years from now you will be more disappointed by the things you didn't do than by the ones you did do. So throw off the bowlines, sail away from the safe harbor. Catch the trade winds in your sails. Explore. Dream. Discover." 3-04-2002 |
FIDO'S TOP QUESTIONS..... Dear God, How come people love to smell flowers, but seldom, if ever, smell one another? Where are their priorities? Dear God, When we get to Heaven, can we sit on your couch? Or is it the same old story? Dear God, If a dog barks his head off in the forest and no human hears him, is he still a bad dog? Dear God, Excuse me, but why are there cars named after the jaguar, the cougar, the mustang, the colt, the stingray, and the rabbit, but not one named for a dog? How often do you see a cougar riding around? We dogs love a nice ride! I know every breed cannot have its own model, but it would be easy to rename the Chrysler Eagle the Chrysler Beagel. Dear God, When my family eats dinner they always bless their food. But they never bless mine. So, I've been wagging my tail extra fast when they fill my bowl. Have you noticed my own blessing? Dear God, Are there dogs on other planets, or are we alone? I've been howling at the moon and stars for a long time, but all I ever hear back is the beagle across the street. Dear God, I've always lived at the shelter and I have everything I need. Many of the other animals here have a name, but I don't. Could you give me a name please? It would help my self-esteem. 3-12-2002 Got these in an e-mail from Tall Dick. Thanks! |
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The woman's dishwasher quit working, so she called a repairman. Since she had to go to work the next day, she told him. "I'll leave the key under the mat. Fix the dishwasher, leave the bill on the counter, and I'll mail you the check. By the way, don't worry about my Doberman. He won't bother you. But, whatever you do, do NOT, under any circumstances, talk to my parrot!" When the repairman arrived at her apartment the next day, he discovered the biggest and meanest looking Doberman he had ever seen. But, just as the woman had said, the dog just rested on the carpet, watching the repairman go about his business. However, the parrot drove him nuts the whole time with incessant yelling, cursing and name calling. Finally, the repairman couldn't contain himself any longer. He yelled, "Shut up, you stupid, ugly bird!" To which the parrot replied, "Get him, Spike!" 4-14-02 Thanks for another good dog joke, TD! |
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Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson go on a camping trip, set up their tent, and fall asleep. Some hours later, Holmes wakes his faithful friend. "Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see." Watson replies, "I see millions of stars." What does that tell you?" Watson ponders for a minute. "Astronomically speaking", he replies, "it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, it tells me that Saturn is in Leo. Timewise, it appears to be approximately a quarter past three. Theologically, it's evident the Lord is all powerful and we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, it seems we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What does it tell you?" Holmes is silent for a moment, then speaks. "Watson, you idiot, someone has stolen our tent! 5-04-2002 |
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There was a middle-aged guy who bought a brand new Mercedes convertible SLK. He took off down the road, flooring it up to 80 mph and enjoyd the wind blowing through what little hair he had left on his head. "This is great," he thought and floored it some more. He looked in his rearview mirrror and there was a Highway Patrol Trooper behind him, blue lights flashing and siren blasting. "I can get away from him with no problem," thought the man and he floored it some more and few down the road at over 100 mph. Then he thought, "What am I doing? I'm too old for this kind of thing," and pulled over to the side of the road and waited for the State Trooper to catch up with him. The trooper pulled in behind the Mercedes and walked up to the man. "Sir," he said, looking at his watch, "My shift ends in 30 minutes and today is Friday the 13th. If you can give me a reason why you were speeding, that I've never heard before, I'll let you go." The man looked up at the Trooper and said, "Last week my wife ran off with a State Trooper, and I thought you were bringing her back." The State Trooper said, "Sir, have a nice day." 6-15-2002 |
Another Two Dog? Cool! |
7-27-2002 Thanks for the photo, Claudia. |
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"Happy Halloween" to all the TWO DOGS !! 10-21-2002 |
An extremely modest man was in the hospital for a series of tests, the last of which had left his bodily systems extremely upset. Upon making several false alarm trips to the bathroom, he figured that the latest episode was just that, so he stayed put. Suddenly, however, he filled his bed with diarrhea and was embarrassed beyond his ability to remain rational. In a complete loss of composure, he jumped out of bed, gathered up the bed sheets, and threw them out the hospital window. A drunk was walking by the hospital when the sheets landed on him. The drunk started yelling, cursing, and swinging his arms violently, in an attempt to free himself of the sheets. He ended up with the soiled sheets in a tangled pile at his feet. As the drunk stood there, staring down at the sheets, a hospital security guard who had witnessed most of the incident, walked up to him and asked, "What the heck is going on?" The drunk, still staring down at the sheets, replied, "I think I just beat the shit out of a ghost!" HAPPY HALLOWEEN ! 10-29-02 THANKS MOANA ! |
Who let the dogs out? Who-o? Who? Who? Who? Who? |
10-31-2002 Thank you, Marcie!!! |
A biker stops by the Harley Shop to have his bike fixed. They couldn't do it while he waited, so he said he didn't live far and would just walk home. On the way home he stopped at the hardware store and bought a bucket and an anvil. He stopped by the feed store/livestock dealer and picked up a couple of chickens and a goose. However, he now had a problem: How to carry all of his purchases home? The owner said, "Why don't you put the anvil in the bucket, carry the bucket in one hand, put a chicken under each arm and carry the goose in your other hand?" "Hey, thanks!" the biker said, and out the door he went. In the parking lot he was approached by a little old lady who told him she was lost. She asked, "Can you tell me how to get to 1603 Mockingbird Lane?" The biker said, "Well, as a matter of fact I live at 1616 Mockingbird Lane. Let's take my short cut and go down this alley. We'll be there in no time." The little old lady looked him over cautiously then said, "I am a lonely widow without a husband to defend me. How do I know that when we get in the alley you won't hold me up against the wall, pull up my skirt, and ravish me?" The biker said, "Holy smokes lady! I am carrying a bucket, an anvil, two chickens, and a goose. How in the world could I possibly hold you up against the wall and do that?" The lady said, "Set the goose down, cover him with the bucket, put the anvil on top of the bucket, and I'll hold the chickens." 11-11-2002 Here's another good one from Marcie. |
A mechanic was removing a cylinder head from the motor of a Harley motorcycle when he spotted a well-known heart surgeon in his shop. The surgeon was there waiting for the service manager to come take a look at his bike. The mechanic shouted across the garage, "Hey Doc can I ask you a question?" The surgeon, a bit surprised, walked over to the mechanic working on the motorcycle. The mechanic straightened up, wiped his hands on a rag and asked, "So Doc, look at this engine. I open its heart, take valves out, fix' em, put 'em back in, and when I finish, it works just like new. So how come I get such a small salary and you get the really big bucks, when you and I are doing basically the same work?" The surgeon paused, smiled and leaned over, and whispered to the mechanic..... "Try doing it with the engine running!" 12-08-02 THANKS DD! (Good timing with this one... Preacher is having bypass surgery this week.) |
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T-SHIRT SAYINGS: 1) Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder. 2) Don't take life too seriously, you won't get out alive. 3) It IS as BAD as you think and they ARE out to get you. 4) A journey of a thousand miles begins with a cash advance. 5) My dog can lick anyone. 1-22-2003 From our old files... |
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WHAT ARE THESE TWO DOGS COOKIN' UP? 1-27-2003 Thanks to Jim the Barber for the photo of the dog. |
5-22-2003 Thanks to Jim the Barber for another good dog photo. |
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Golfing Accident Two women are playing golf on a sunny afternoon when one of them slices her shot into a foursome of men. To her horror, one of the men collapses in agony with both hands in his crotch. She runs to him apologizing profusely, explaining that she is a physical therapist and can help ease his pain. "No thanks... just give me a few minutes... I'll be fine..." he replies quietly with his hands still between his legs. Taking it upon herself to help the poor man, she gently undoes the front of his pants and starts massaging his genitals. "Doesn't that feel better?" she asks. "Well... yes... that feels pretty good," he admits, "but my thumb still hurts like hell." 7-16-03 Thanks Rooster! |
Due to the popularity of the Survivor shows, WSB-TV is planning to do its own version, entitled "Survivor: Georgia Style." The contestants will start in Atlanta, travel down to Macon and over to Albany. From there they will head to Valdosta, Waycross, Tifton and Statesboro. They will then proceed to Augusta. Then up to Lavonia, Clayton, over to Rome, Cartersville and then back to Atlanta. Each will be driving a pink Volvo with New Jersey license plates and large bumper stickers that read: 'I'm Gay', 'I'm a Vegetarian', 'NASCAR Sucks', 'Go Yankees!', 'Smoking is for Idiots', 'Hillary in 2004', 'Deer Hunting is Murder' and 'I'm Here to Confiscate Your Guns!' The first one that makes it back to Atlanta alive, wins. GOOD LUCK TO ALL CONTESTANTS 9-11-03 Thanks to Claudia for sharing this one! |
If you love something, set it free. If it comes back, it will always be yours. If it doesn't come back, it was never yours to begin with. But, if it just sits in your living room, messes up your stuff, eats your food, uses your telephone, takes your money, and doesn't appear to realize that you had set it free... You either married it or gave birth to it. 10-25-2003 Thanks Tricia and Brooke! |
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Click here for a neat Christmas e-card: http://www.found-pets.org/JLCards/xmas2001.htm |
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THIS RIDERS THOUGHTS (a selection of 50 from an even longer list from a guy named Chris) 1. Midnight bugs taste best. 2. Saddlebags can never hold everything you want, but they CAN hold everything you need. 3. Never try to race an old geezer, he may have one more gear than you. 4. It takes more love to share the saddle than it does to share the bed. 5. The only good view of a thunderstorm is in your rearview mirror. 6. Never be afraid to slow down. 7. Don't ride so late into the night that you sleep through the sunrise. 8. Pie and coffee are as important as gasoline. 9. Sometimes it takes a whole tankful of fuel before you can think straight. 10. Riding faster than everyone else only guarantees you'll ride alone. 11. Never hesitate to ride past the last street light at the edge of town. 12. A good rider has balance, judgment, and good timing. So does a good lover. 13. A cold hamburger can be reheated quite nicely by strapping it to an exhaust pipe and riding forty miles. 14. Never do less than forty miles before breakfast. 15. If you don't ride in the rain - you don't ride. 16. A bike on the road is worth two in the shed. 17. Respect the person who has seen the dark side of motorcycling and lived. 18. Young riders pick a destination and go. Old riders pick a direction and go. 19. Sometimes the fastest way to get there is to stop for the night. 20. Whatever it is, it's better in the wind. 21. Two-lane blacktop isn't a highway - it's an attitude. 22. When you look down the road, it seems to never end - but you better believe it does. 23. A rider can smell a party 5,000 miles away. 24. Keep your bike in good repair: Motorcycle boots are NOT comfortable for walking. 25. People are like Motorcycles: each is customized a bit differently. 26. Remember to pay as much attention to your partner as you do your carburetor. 27. The best alarm clock is sunshine on a faceshield. 28. Learn to do counter-intuitive things that may someday save your butt. 29. The twisties - not the superslabs - separate the riders from the squids. 30. When you're riding lead -- don't spit. 31. If you really want to know what's going on, watch what's happening at least five cars ahead. 32. Don't make a reputation you'll have to live down or run away from later. 33. If the person in the next lane at the stoplight rolls up the window and locks the door, support their view of life by snarling at them. 34. A friend is someone who'll get out of bed at 2 am to drive his pickup to the middle of nowhere to get you when you're broken down. 35. Catching a June bug or yellow jacket in your goggles or honeybee down your shirt @ 70 mph can double your vocabulary. 36. If you want to get somewhere before sundown, you can't stop at every tavern. 37. Don't lead the pack if you don't know where you're going. 38. Sleep with one arm through the spokes and keep your pants on. 39. Everyone crashes. Some get back on. Some don't. Some can't. 40. Beware the rider who says the bike never breaks down. 41. Don't argue with an 18-wheeler. 42. Maintenance is as much art as it is science. 43. A good long ride can clear your mind, restore your faith, and use up a lot of fuel. 44. If you can't get it going with bungee cords and electrician's tape - it's serious. 45. If you ride like there's no tomorrow - there won't be. 46. Gray-haired riders don't get that way from pure luck. 47. Thin leather looks good standing around, but it won't save your butt from "road rash" if you go down. 48. The best modifications cannot be seen from the outside. 49. No matter what marquee you ride, it's all the same wind. And the last ... 50. Only a Motorcyclist knows why a dog sticks his head out of a car window. It's all about the air in your hair!!! 3-17-04 |
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Paddy O'Riley is driving home after a few pints of Guinness down the local pub. He turns a corner and, much to his dismay, he sees a tree in the middle of the road. He swerves to avoid it and, almost too late, realizes that there is yet another tree directly in his path. He swerves again and discovers to his horror that his drive home has turned into a slalom course, causing him to veer from side to side to avoid all the trees. Moments later he hears the sound of a police siren and brings his car to a stop. Officer O'Malley approaches Paddy's car and asks him what on earth he was doing. Paddy tells his story of the trees in the road when the officer stops him in mid-sentence and says, "Fer Chrissakes, Paddy, that's yer air freshener!" 3-17-04 Thanks for another good joke, Claudia. |
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Bubba and Billy Bob, who are from Tennessee, travel to Kentucky to visit a relative. They are walking along the street, and they see a sign on a store which reads, "Suits $5.00 each, shirts $2.00 each, trousers $2.50 per pair." Bubba says to his pal, "Billy Bob, "Look here! We could buy a whole gob of these, take 'em back to Tennessee, sell 'em to our friends, and make a fortune. Now when we go in there, you be quiet, okay? Just let me do the talkin' 'cause if they hear your accent, they might think we're ignorant, and not wanna sell that stuff to us. Now, I'll talk in a slow Kentucky drawl so's they don't know." They go in and Bubba says with his best fake Kentucky drawl, "I'll take 50 of them suits at $5.00 each, 100 of them there shirts at $2.00 each, and 50 pairs of them there trousers at $2.50 each. I'll back up my pickup and ......." The owner of the shop interrupts, "Ya'll are from Tennessee, ain't yah?" "Well...yeah," says a surprised Bubba......... "How come you know that?" The owner says, "Because this is a dry-cleaners." 06-18-04 THANKS CLAUDIA. WE NEEDED A NEW JOKE. |
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Life is all about bootie! You're either covering it, laughing it off, kicking it, kissing it, busting it, trying to get a piece of it, behaving like one ..... or trying to loose it! |
1-09-05 |
